Happy Birthday to Me!

February 15th is my birthday....and it's also the day we will make Levi an OFFICIAL Polk!!! We get to spend Valentines Day with our baby boy and then go to court on the 15th. We are so excited!!! After the week we've had, this was totally unexpected. I guess I just needed to be willing to humble myself and accept "the other way" and love a person I viewed "unlovable" before God would allow us to move further. Why do I always have to do things the hard way? :) Although...I couldn't have asked for a better birthday present! Please continue praying! This walk isn't over yet :) But we've definitely just made a HUGE leap forward! 

Yesterday in my moments of doubt, this precious pair of knit boots my sister sent Levi from Bosnia kept coming into my head. I've kept them in my kitchen since they arrived and every time I see them I pray for him. It is a sign of my faithfulness to go get my son! It was almost as though that image was God saying, "you can't stop walking to Levi until he is wearing his boots." I know this sounds silly but when I walked in the kitchen today and saw those little green and blue knits boots all I could do is say "Thank you God for your faithfulness" and, of course, cry :)

Game on!

Well, it appears we will continue in our paper trail until the judge is satisfied enough to give us a court date. This could be tomorrow, this could be in 2 months. We really have no clue as this is "uncharted territory." Today has been a roller coaster of emotion! But at the end of the day here is what I'm taking away...

~God IS faithful...and as a reminder in my moment of weakness HE played Never Once by Matt Redman (see my previous post if you've never heard it) on the radio. Instead of just balling my eyes out...I was laughing through my tears. I was sad and disappointed but so comforted by the reminder through a song I literally couldn't stop laughing and told God out loud "Ok I get it. You're here. This is Your plan." 

~We will not give up. Beyond the seemingly endless paper trail in our near future there are other details, "what if's" and possibilities that come into play that I can't get into on this blog that will also affect the future of our process. But regardless of the challenges that we may face the bottom line is if Carsyn or Sara Kate were stuck in an orphanage half way around the world, we would do everything we possibly could to bring them home. It is no different for our son! We said in the very beginning we would "walk until we can't walk anymore." The path is still wide open, it's just becoming more of a hike than we anticipated :)

~Change my prayer. I've been praying for our process, for Levi, for us but I am not praying for the judge. To be honest since we found out about her in December when the initial "issue" arose I've had a hard heart towards her but I've also felt a nagging to somehow "reach" her for His glory that I've been flat out ignoring because of my frustration. I have no idea who she is, what she believes or anything else about her but until today she wasn't on my list of "people I like." Well, as a believer I'm suppose to love her and I've felt a strong sense to be praying for her, and not in relation to how she affects us. I'll be praying for our judge until we see her face to face. Maybe it's through prayer that we will "reach" her...because I really can't think of any other way we possibly could :) 

And finally....

~Never challenge Satan out loud! After the first phone call I received today with the news that there was more documentation to be chased down I was ok. I cried with disappointment but was really able to trust God's sovereignty over the situation. I guess I must have gotten a little cocky because I sent out a text to several of my "prayer girls" saying "...if this was easy I might wonder if it was right but obviously we are in God's will or the devil wouldn't want us to give up. He is messin' with the wrong momma! Ya'll pray, I'm trusting God will be glorified through our delay. What's a few months compared to eternity? :)" It's like I said "Game ON" and Satan replied "alrighty then!!!" Well, it wasn't 2 hours later, after more disturbing news, I was wondering if we should continue in this process at all! I was feeling defeated and ready to give up! I can't believe  Satan took my challenge so quickly:) I had just said that's what he wanted and I refused to let him win...wow I'M SO WEAK! Luckily, God intervened and reminded me this adoption is for His glory and for Levi. The inconvenience, additional cost, and frustration is very minor in comparison to the whole story! But I will never chance a verbal challenge against Satan again...I think I'll leave that battle to God :)

Please continue to pray for us daily. If you see me running around like a crazy person, just know I'm trying to accomplish the near impossible in a very short time frame :) Pray for our family, pray for Levi, pray for a speedy court date, pray for no more delays and no additional cost...and pray for an un-named, unknown judge 10 time zones away that her heart will be softened to the love of Christ. 

My favorite verse as a child kept popping in my head today:

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In everything, seek Him and He will direct your paths!" Thankful today for sweet reminders....

Faithful...

This morning I attended a "MoM's" brunch. It was wonderful! Sweet ladies of all ages and stages of life, great food, worship, excellent speaker and best of all, free childcare :) It was two hours of mommy time and the blessing of a wonderful story, but I thought that was it! I had no idea just an hour later the testimony of the sweet mommy of five, and fellow adoption adventurer, would be ringing in my ears as we got more news from our agency. It always happens so I'm not sure why I'm still amazed when God brings something across my path- a person, song, story, scripture- that will soon resonate with me so strong in my own circumstance that I'm moved to tears of joy and thankfulness for that "word" to prepare me. 

So the news we received today is good but not great because we are still dealing with a great deal of uncertainty...our case was heard today before the judge. She asked for another document before we can go further. The agency and our social worker scrambled to "deal" with the situation. It will be reviewed again in the morning (their time). We are hopeful this will result in a date for court with no additional requirements. Of course, this could go another way. We could get bogged down in more paperwork and delay the process even further. It's all in the hands of this judge...or so was my initial thought. Is it ever REALLY all in a human's hands? Obviously not! It's in God's hands. I know this! It goes back to elementary school "He's got the whole world in HIs hands!" Remember? :) Or as I was reminded today at the brunch..."God is faithful" this is His character and it doesn't exclude my adoption:) It's not in a judge's hands, it's in our loving Father's hand's. 

The sweet lady that shared her story at the brunch this morning made a statement that I think will stay with me forever. She said "God didn't ask us to walk this journey to make us suffer, he chose this path for us to glorify Himself." When we first started this process our commitment was first and foremost to glorify God. He has definitely been glorified through this process but it wasn't always because I was faithful to give Him glory. He'll be glorified regardless of my flawed, selfish desires. He knows my heart wants my baby boy home with us right now BUT He also has a plan much bigger than my family and knows the best way for this adoption to be completed. With the testimony of another mommy that has walked this path fresh on my heart, my immediate reaction to our news this afternoon was "God you are faithful. If it means we wait a little longer, if it means hours more of paperwork and visits with our social worker and state government, I'll be humbled to be a part of the story you're writing for Your glory!" 

I'm begging you all for prayer :) In 'real-time' you will probably be reading this just before, during or just after our judge has reconsidered our case. Please pray specifically for favor and a court date very soon because we have even more documents that are approaching their expiration date. I have complete trust In God's plan but I also know He wants us to ask for "the desires of our heart." So tonight I'm praying my desire for this to be finished with no more issues and Levi to be home very soon is aligned with His desire for me...and if it's not then I pray God will change my desires in accordance with His will. I know He will hear our prayer army and I can not tell you how comforting it is to know so many are praying us through this time. I'm so thankful for you all!

Praising God for His faithfulness...no matter the outcome from the courts :)

"If we are faithless, He remains faithful- for He cannot deny Himself." 2 Timothy 2:13 

An update from my heart...

"Why have you stopped blogging?" This is something I am frequently asked. The truth is...I'm BUSY and exhausted :) Physically, mentally, emotionally. My infrequent updates aren't intentional I'm just usually running non-stop all day until the girls go to bed and then if I sat down long enough to type an update I'd fall asleep! (Maybe a little exaggeration there but not much...Dustin can vouch for this :)) And most days I don't know what to say.  Don't get me wrong, I have a lot I WANT to say. It just takes a lot of energy to figure out what I SHOULD say. This may sound sad or pitiful, and the truth is if there is one way to describe how I've felt that past 9 months it would be broken. BUT it's good...really good! I've learned more about faith, grace, love and depravity since beginning this process than I have in my entire 30 years prior to it. Broken is beautiful! Exhaustion from soul-searching and much prayer is wonderful! Laying on my face in tears before the only ONE that can fix "it" is total comfort. Notice I have never mentioned easy :) But all of that to say, most day's I have to prioritize what gets my energy and lately the blog has suffered from my "adoption exhaustion." :)

So "WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THE ADOPTION?" A question I get asked multiple times a day...and I appreciate it every time it gets asked! While I feel like a broken record sometimes it is such a blessing to have so many people around us that CARE and want to know what's going on and how to pray for us! 

Here is where we are:

We spent the week of Thanksgiving (last blog post) with our precious little boy! I know I mentioned before but in case you missed it I'll say it again...HE IS PERFECT! The trip was amazing! Everything went as smoothly as it could have...until we traveled home. The trip home was just shy of awful and unfortunately, things with our adoption process haven't really improved since! But as my 'eternal optimist better-half' says, "It could be A LOT worse!" I know he is right but as I've mentioned before on this blog (more than once) I have a tendency to pitch a fit when things don't go exactly as 'I-I-I-Me-Me-Me' have planned (usually it's a fit just inside my head and heart; although the poor man at United Airlines got to hear a real fit throwing after we returned home...but that one was totally justified :)). So, of course, when we returned home from Russia with certain expectations of how the rest of this process would go, any diversion from that plan wasn't welcomed :)

The first week home Dustin and I stayed in a 'zombie-like' state from the crazy week we'd had and the crazy jet lag that came with the trip. Once recovered we got on the task of getting the little documentation we had left to prepare for court done and other preparations necessary for Levi to come home. Keep in mind this was also prime Christmas season festivities time! Class parties, programs, church functions, travel and family fun! It was a busy time to say the least. I know everyone reading this can relate...even if you're not in the middle of an adoption :)

The evening of Dec. 23rd we were all dressed up and ready to go spend time with some of our best, most dear friends that we never get to see! I was excited...we miss the Lewis' and Weaver's SO MUCH! That's when the call came. Even though we were walking out the door to meet our friends I answered the phone. It was our agency and we had been told we would probably get our court date that week so I was happy and anxious answering the phone to find out when we'd be heading back to Russia for court! Imagine my disappointment when instead I hear...well, there has been an issue. For the sake of our situation I can not go into detail with what happened but just know the "issue" created another 3 weeks of paperwork, meeting's with our social worker and trips to Montgomery. This "issue" was beyond our control or the control of our agency, it was totally unanticipated (never happened before) and affected every family adopting in our region, not just us. However, I can say our agency and social worker are AMAZING! Without their support and help (working during Christmas!!!) we would probably still be sorting through this mess! But they are just as passionate about getting Levi home ASAP as we are and knew the longer we waited getting the additional documentation done, the longer it would be before we get our baby boy home! For privacy reasons I can not share the name of either organization on this blog until after our process is over, BUT if you or someone you know is interested in adopting please email me and I'll send you all of their contact information. Our agency and social worker are truly God sent!!!

On Tuesday of last week, our "updated" file was submitted for translation and will then be re-submitted to the judge for approval. We are praying we will find out our court date by the end of this month and there will be no more "issues." At this time, we are praying to have Levi home in March. Please cover this in prayer also! 

You did not receive Christmas cards from us this year...we didn't send them. This was actually, at first, my way of "acting out" since Levi wasn't home yet. In one of my pity parties I decided we weren't sending Christmas cards this year if our whole family couldn't be on them! I made ONE just for us...with Levi on it...and that was it. I was sad my baby boy wasn't going to be here for Christmas...after all this is the 2nd Christmas of his life we missed. I had the "right" to be upset, right? Then a few days later I was reading the Caringbridge site of precious little boy I have followed for 5 years through his diagnosis and battle with cancer and then sadly his death just this past year. His mom wrote "For Christmas this year we are adding new traditions, changing some and then some we are avoiding altogether because they are too painful (for example, you will not be receiving Christmas cards from us this year since our whole family can not be on it.)"  OK, WOW! I'm pouting because my son isn't home...yet! What if my story was the same as this precious mother? Please don't misunderstand...I believe God's plan is perfect and I hope(pray) if that is ever my situation I will be able to handle it with the same faith and courage that this family has but why am I wasting precious time right now pitching a fit over something that may not be ideal, but it's not tragic. It's a new life being added to our family...a blessing, just not in MY timing! God is being glorified through this adoption. During our last "issue" we saw Him do some things in the lives of 3 other people that wouldn't have happened if we hadn't had our "issue." We could see His hand in our situation even though we may have been a little inconvenienced, God was using that "issue" (and our response to it) to affect other people. So why do I hesitate and have those initial moments of childish outbursts (even though they may not be outwardly the ONE that matters sees it!) instead of just trusting His plan and giving Him glory through the "hiccup?" This life isn't about ME...even though I seem to need a daily reminder of that :)

Adoption has shown me the "yuck" I am filled with. No matter how much I pray, study and serve, without the grace of my Savior I am nothing! My head knew this before we started the adoption but now my heart is convinced. I see the abundance of my unworth yet I am loved more than I could ever deserve! If it wasn't for my own adoption through the cross, I would always be a filthy, snotty, little child desperately seeking the approval of the world! But because of the sacrifice Christ made for us, I am justified...even when I pitch a fit because I don't get MY way :) 

I am so thankful for His love, but mostly for His grace! Thankful with ALL of my heart...

Thankful in St. Petersburg

So Thanksgiving 2011 was not our typical family gathering and meal but is one we'll definitely always remember. We spent time at the orphanage, ate a late lunch/early dinner at a fabulous Indian restraurant, took a nap and then got to talk to the most beautiful girls in the world via Skype. It was different but good...we missed family and the wonderful food but I asked Dustin if he even remembered what we did last year for Thanksgiving. He smiled and said "Usually it's just a blur because we are running from one house to another." Many times we need a change from 'the norm' to really appreciate just how great what we have is! I think this was a nice change this year, especially because we did get to visit with our special little guy...and we officially gave him his name!

In honor of our Thanksgiving in St. Petersburg I've decided to do a list of what I'm thankful for THIS WEEK...I'm always thankful for my Savior, my family, health, and the many other blessings surrounding me. This is a list of things I'm thankful for but it took me being half a world away to realize it :)

1) A name...FINALLY! We have been going back and forth over this sweet boy's name for months but on Thanksgiving day it was time to put it on paper for his new birth certificate and at the very last minute we agreed on his full name, LEVI JAMES POLK. James is a family name passed down to Dustin from his grandfather and Levi means "joined in harmony." And that's exactly what is happening...he acts like we have always been his parents. We are so ready for the honor!

2) Fellow believers around the world. Being in a strange country where everyone is talking in a language you can not understand there is a great comfort when you enter an elevator with a solemn looking man who begins to stare at the Bible you are holding and after a minute reaches for the chain around his neck, revealing a cross and then smiles and says "Christo!"....and a bunch of other stuff I totally didn't understand but know He was excited about Christ:) Such a sweet encounter!

3) Fur. I never saw fur beyond a fashion statement until coming to St. Petersburg but wow, the cold wind and dreary, icy rain will cut to the bone quick if you aren't dressed just right. I'm so thankful for my fur lined boots, hat, and gloves...and thankful this trend is popular in Birmingham so I could find the right attire for the trip. Who knew it was cute AND practical in some parts of the world :)

4) Cinnamon. It wasn't until this trip that I realized how much I like cinnamon in my coffee. All of my favorite Starbuck's drinks and creamer flavors have cinnamon in them. I ordered a cappuccino from our hotel cafe and it was surprisingly good. I didn't expect it to be because they used just milk and espresso but then topped it with cinnamon, I added some sugar and it was just like my "Christmas in a cup" from Starbucks :) When it comes to coffee in my world, cinnamon = perfection! 

5) Window's that open. It may be frigid outside but inside it's about 80 degrees...not an exaggeration! And that is in every building we enter, including our hotel room. So crazy enough it is below freezing temps and we have our window open! But it occurred to me yesterday, I don't open my windows up enough at home. I think that is going to change :) Even though it's cold, the fresh air is nice!

6) Russia is on Polk time. :) We've heard some people say one frustrating part of being "in country" is no one is on time or in a hurry to do anything. Well, it's funny because it seems here we are always right on time and the pace is very comfortable to us. But then again, in the States we are ALWAYS late and running behind. It's been nice not to feel rushed or be late to any of our appointments. So maybe Russia just runs on "Polk" time...or vice versa :)

7) A heated floor...I've heard of these but I've never experienced one! WOW, it makes getting up early in the mornings, exhausted from jet lag so much better. Just the bathroom tile is heated so when we come in from the cold I'll go sit in the bathroom on the warm tile. Another quirky memory I'll probably never forget from St. Petersburg :) 

8) An agency we can trust. We have been very pleased with our agency up to this point but we had no idea just how wonderful they actually are until we got here. The staff in Russia may be even sweeter and more organized than the ladies in the US...something I didn't think was possible! Again, I'm very limited by what I can share in this area so I'll just say it's no coincidence God led us to them and I hope to continue our relationship for a long time to help them find families for the many children in need.

9) Special people caring for my children...this is two parts: family and total strangers. First having my mom watch our girls while we are 10 time zones away has given me a peace that I'm so grateful for. Dustin's parents have also helped. Having that comfort of knowing they are being better cared for (or should I say more spoiled:)) with Motty and Maw maw than they are with me makes this experience so much more enjoyable. I always thank God for our family, but this week I think I've prayed more and thanked God more for them than I have in a long time...I have a renewed appreciation. The other people in this category are total strangers. We do not speak the same language and will never have a relationship but I will be forever grateful for the wonderful caregivers, doctor and social worker at orphanage #??.  When I think Russian orphanage I think sad, scary, and cold. This facility and these ladies are anything but that. They are like precious grandmother's loving and caring for their babies. This is not just their job, it is their heart. They have cared so well for our son and have brought him through his first year of life as a healthy, happy, beautiful baby boy when ALL odds were against him at birth. These precious ladies will always be in my heart and in my prayers.

And lastly...

10) Conviction and passion...in our case, for orphans. I was recently asked again what made us want to adopt. Sometimes in the craziness of this process I forget how it all started...with a passion God laid on hearts many years ago to care for the orphan and a conviction the beginning of this year to do something about it!

Our adoption coordinator shared yesterday that the most wonderful part of her job is getting to interact with the children in the orphanage. She sees them frequently and they get to know her pretty well. But the hardest part of her job is they also know when she is there it's because she is finding a home for ONE of them. She said she cries every time one of the children looks up at her and asks "Have you found me a mommy and daddy?" And most of the time she must respond, "no, not yet..." 

If you've ever considered adopting or just had the thought cross your mind that maybe you would want to open your heart and home to an orphaned child, please cover it in prayer and seriously consider that may have been the Holy Spirit moving in you and not just a fleeting thought. We are told to care for the fatherless, not asked. It isn't something we are called to do, it is something we are commanded to do. Whether it be your own adoption, supporting someone else adopting or giving to and volunteering in orphan care ministry both domestically and internationally.  Please don't let anything stand in the way of caring for these precious children. We never thought we could afford it and we weren't looking forward to the crazy process we'd have to go through...and to be honest none of that has changed. But somehow, here we are! We've never heard of a couple that said they had the money to adopt, but we've also never heard of anyone that wasn't able to bring a child home because of a lack of funds. God will bless adoption...He will provide the way. Just step out in faith and obedience. 

James 1:27

Pure & genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans & widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you.

So thankful from the bottom of my heart....

these are the days of our lives...

Today is the day... not "the" day... but the day we travel to Russia. There has been a lot that had to happen before this day could come. GOD amazes me every step of this radical walk. There are days I think He must be the biggest 'jokester' because of the hoops we've had to jump through. Some days I wonder if Satan asked if he could "play" and GOD said 'go ahead and have your fun but it won't stop them from marching on.' Then there are days I wondered if we were crazy and if this was really something we are suppose to be doing. :) But ultimately I remember no one and nothing can stop the will of God. His will for us is to glorify and serve Him. His will for us is to share His love and message with the world we've been assigned. About 2000 years ago he used a baby boy to accomplish that. And TODAY, he is using another baby boy to keep HIS message going.  I am humbled to be getting on a plane today...a step closer to meeting one of God's most precious gifts.... OH GLORIOUS DAY!

...but don't tell anyone!

Do you remember the agony of being told something when you were younger and then being told..."But you can't tell anyone!" When I was about 5 my mom bought my dad a new fishing rod as a gift and made the mistake of telling me about it. Needless to say it didn't stay a surprise...if you've known me for more than a minute you know staying quiet is not my strength but yet I'm in a situation now where sharing "the news" can negatively affect something very important to our family! Imagine the struggle my big mouth has had over the past 6 months!!! Isn't it funny how God frequently puts us exactly where are our weaknesses must be made strong? I can't tell you how many un-posted entries there are on this blog. I was given the great advice early in this process to journal along the way so even though I can't publicly share everything now, I'll have all of the details of this incredible journey in print to one day share with anyone willing to listen :) But today I'm happy to be able to report...we will be spending Thanksgiving in Russia with our sweet baby boy!

We leave this coming weekend and we'll be there a little over a week. This will be our first trip. We will have to go back two more times before we get to bring him home. I dare not give an estimate of when that will be...just pray instead for travel mercies, protection over our ENTIRE family and provision to complete the adoption. 

The last few days have been pretty crazy around our house...who am I kidding? The last few MONTHS have been crazy around our house! But yesterday the verse from John 16:33 came into my head. "I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." As I read it I thought..."Oh no Lord, what are you preparing me for now." The day went on pretty normal. I found my typical adoption related obstacles and frustrations and then got a call from the girls school letting me know Carsyn was really sick (tummy/fever virus)...which I should have totally expected given all that we have going on this week. Nothing overwhelming just regular "stuff" to distract my attention from the all of the good we have to be thankful for. The day ended with a visit to the Secretary of State's office in Montgomery to have even more documents apostilled before this trip. As I walked in I saw that the office I normally go to was dark...or course, my immediate reaction was "no they can not be closed after I drove all this way." And if you're familiar with the journey we've been on through this adoption you would understand that yes, in fact, that would be very typical of the experiences we've had :) But no, they were open. Just the lady (let's call her Ms. J) that normally helps me was out. As another sweet lady helped me I asked about Ms. J...I was looking forward to seeing her. She has been an encouragement to me every time I've visited for an apostille. I learned that she was out because her mother had passed away very unexpectedly. After a few minutes of hearing the details of what happened and the grief Ms. J is experiencing John 16:33 popped into my head again. I asked the lady to please share this verse with her the next time they speak but she was so encouraged she immediately put it in an email and sent it on.  As I was leaving I thought about how awesome it is that God puts people in our path to uplift us. He has used Ms. J to encourage me and ease some adoption related frustrations in the past. I had no idea why that scripture was laid on my heart until I heard about my sweet sister in Christ that is in such pain and needed the encouragement..."take heart! HE has overcome the world."

Driving home something the lady told me about Ms. J kept re-playing in my head..."She is so disappointed because it just didn't go like they expected." How many of my expectations haven't been met since this adoption began? Since we received our referral? Since we received our travel date? Since yesterday? :) Am I adding to my own grief everyday because I set expectations for the way things "should" work out instead of just seeking the ONE who has overcome the world? John 16:33 was for me :) The 'trouble' we will experience isn't always life changing like the death of a loved one...it's recording a password incorrectly causing yourself hours more of work. It's not being able to find enough crisp new bills after visiting 10 different banks. It's having a holiday that shuts down many of the offices you need important documents from in an urgent manner. :) Trouble isn't just tragedy, it's the daily frustrations of life that distract us from our peace and joy in Christ. 

So friends...let me tell you what is "troubling" me so you can specifically pray for us: :)

-being apart from our children (both in Russia and in the US)

-the "stuff" that must be done before we travel

-a sick little girl and fear that she'll share her germs with the rest of us

-my back "issues" (yes it is still bothering me!) 

-raising the additional $5000 we need to cover our adoption expenses

Your prayer support means more to us than you know. If you'd like to also support us financially, I've added a page on the left of this that gives details on how you can make a tax-deductible donation. Also, the fundraiser we are doing on http://ironbowladoption.com/ is coming to a close on November 25th. If you'd like to give by voting for your favorite school or passing on our site to your fellow Auburn or Alabama fans, we'd be so appreciative. (BTW, there is a new update on the website about an extra incentive to donate... go check it out!!!) We have felt so loved and encouraged through this process and as this walk is coming to an end, all I can say is THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart and KEEP PRAYING!!! :)