Adopting is totally the same but...different :)

It occurred to me last night as I rocked a sweet blonde boy who was sucking his thumb to sleep...I now have a son! I've been knowing this in my head and to some degree my heart but last night as I held him while he fell asleep it really hit me "I have a little boy! I have 3 children! This finally happened!" It's amazing to me how similar my emotions have been in having the girls and adopting Levi. Until they were "here" (while pregnant and while going through the process) I felt a lot of joy and uncertainty. I had periods where I was able to truly surrender them to God, knowing they are His anyway, to times when my faith was that of an atheist and I was consumed with worry! Both processes came with a great deal of discomfort. If you know our history you know each child has a story. With Carsyn, I was on "modified" bedrest (basically house arrest) after 24 weeks, developed pre-eclampsia and spent 2 weeks in the hospital after she was born with fever...which we did not figure out it was caused by spinal anesthesia until after Sara Kate was born. Sara Kate was conceived after a year of infertility treatments, an ectopic pregnancy and 4 miscarriages. My pregnancy and delivery were ok with her but filled with fear that we'd lose her too!  And of course. "the fever" started the day after she was born and lasted about a week. (this time my dr figured out it was a reaction to the anesthesia and knew how to treat it so no extended hospital stay was required. But it was decided if we had another baby general would be a better route for us.) When we felt led to adopt my first thought was "Yay! At least we won't have to go through more infertility or another c-section." If I only knew what we were in for! I think I'd take the physical pain over the emotional stress :) Hmmm, not sure! Our adoption has been filled with crazy ups and downs it seems at almost every step of the process! First we were matched with twins. After we finally got over the fear of adopting two, we found out they were too sick to be adopted and it felt like another miscarriage. The constant paperwork and strategically planned trips to Montgomery  felt very similiar to infertility treatment. The uncertainty of the agency sometimes felt like talking to my dr after another unsuccessful month of trying to have a baby. BUT, then we were matched with Levi! At first, it went great although the first trip felt similar to physical pregnancy...the only other time I've been that tired(jet lag) was in the first trimester of pregnancy! Then all of the issues started in St. Petersburg with American adoptions. It was like the miscarriages all over again. Living in a constant fear...Were we gonna "lose" this baby or not? I know God is tired of my continuous internal battle of whether I'm going to really trust Him with faith that HE IS IN CONTROL or am I going to worry myself into a crazy wreck trying to do it myself until I finally surrender? (In case you're wondering, it's something I daily lift up to Him...most days He wins but I'm still weak:)) But then we went to court...it was kind of like that 20 week ultrasound...you're excited and nervous hoping for the best but the "what if" lurking in the back of your mind...our news was equilvalent to "everything looks good-strong heartbeat and it's a boy!"..we were approved! Then, the final preparations began. We came home for just a month. Again, physically similar to pregnancy. Tired from jet lag but we had to get everything done in a short amount of time. I was "nesting" but instead of getting the house ready it was get the adoption finances and documents in order! Of course, the prep was different. In this case we were doing some major "craft" work raising the money for our last trip! My days were totally filled with refinishing furniture and making picture frames and burlap crosses along with last minute document stuff and preparing for the trip...and I had major mixed emotions as I knew I had to work hard and constantly in order to make the funds needed and get everything done IN TIME but I also really wished I could've spent that time with my girls! They have been such troopers through this process! Luckliy, it appears they have picked up more of the positive ministry side of adoption than they do resent all of the time and effort spent on it. I pray that continues! We were encouraged, supported and "showered" with gifts from our friends and family (too many to name but THANK YOU-each of you will forever be a part of this special time God has placed in our lives!) just as we would've if we were "having" a baby, well actually probably a lot more! :) Then the day came to board a plane to bring our little guy home! This is one part of the adoption experience that varies greatly from the girls...I got on that plane alone. Dustin is more than my husband, he's my best friend...he's my partner! We have always done everything (of importance:)) together! He was at almost all of my dr.'s appts when I was having the girls. He stayed with me every night in the hospital when I had Carsyn(2 weeks) and Sara Kate! He has been by my side through the whole adoption but because of multiple circumstances we couldn't control he just couldn't be here for this! (Trust me he wanted to and me making this trip without him is just as hard on him as it is on me.) I am so blessed that my mom and Courtney could meet me in St. Petersburg for a few days and I am so thankful and love them dearly but it's not the same as having Dustin here. He's the "daddy." :) I miss him and the girls like crazy! Anyway, back to the story...so the night before we were to pick up Levi came with a lot of excitment but also physical discomfort. I was still feeling bad from having strep throat a few days before and I was exhausted from the month leading up to the trip and then the actual travel! I actually felt almost as miserable as I did before delivery...just not swollen! I picked out his "coming home" outfit...just as I did the for the girls. The day we picked him up was filled with chaos (no different than the either of their births- the chaos with the girl's was more medical issues and unplanned c-sections but chaotic none the less.). We had multiple appointments running from one office to another. Waiting in this line and then in that line. But finally about 4 pm on Tuesday, April 24th Levi James was welcomed into the Polk family! I will say his acutal entrance into "our world" was a lot better than the girls...no iv's, no epidural, no c-section, no fevers, no breast feeding, no recovery...we just stopped by the orphanage, his caretakers changed his clothes, we spoke with the doctor about his diet and schedule and off we went. Easy peasy...actually a little let down considering the year we've gone through to get to this point but hey, I'll take something "easy" for once :) But all the same emotions were there like the day we brought the girls home...I was so excited and so in love but also a little scared. Will I be a good "boy" mama? Will we make the transition to three ok? How will the girls feel? Will they feel betrayed? (I was really concerned about this when we had Sara Kate!) There are still all these questions going through my head. So much unknown and a little fear but then this little man looks up at me with those big brown eyes and smiles REALLY big and I forget it all and thank God for this incredible priviledge. The first night was similar to having a newborn. I rocked him to sleep because I don't know yet what he "likes" but I  thought for sure he'd like the attention and close time together...he did :) I let him sleep with me because I didn't want him to get scared in a strange place. Every move, every cough or deep breath woke me up and I checked him to make sure he wasn't hot or cold and was "breathing ok" :) Just like I did with the girls! The best part about my "new baby" is he slept 12 hours the first night "home." I really hope we can work with that through the jet lag when we return to the States! We have had a good day too. We are working through a little language barrier and figuring out his likes and dislikes. He definitely isn't shy about letting me know when he's not happy :) But he is also super open and bubbly most of the time playing with us and showing affection. He is a GOOD eater! I mean like record breaking good! He is also quite the ladies man. He was flirting with pretty girls as we walked down the street and in Pizza Hut. Overall, he is making this transition pretty easy on me. I just can't imagine what is going through his little mind. One thing is for certain, he has this natural instinct to know I'm someone special to him. It's like when my girls were born...they just know that I am "mama"...but the cool thing about Levi is he is already saying it!

Please keep us in your prayers over the next 10 days. It's going to get lonely being in a strange, not "kid-friendly" city when my mom and sister leave in 3 days. I'm already in tears I miss Dustin and the girls so much and when I think about all I have left to do next week after the paper work in St. Petersburg is processed on Wednesday, I want to throw up...just being honest :) I saw the line I'll have to be in to get Levi's passport and it made the Shelby County DL/Tag office in Pelham look like a well-oiled machine (we're talking 4 hour waits in a hot, smelly immigration building.) AND THAT will just be the beginning of the adventure I'll have next week with my new toddler...alone :) Prayers appreciated! I'm praying for God to capture my mind so I'm in some sort of chocolate eutopia until 9:00 pm on May 5th about to land in Birmingham, AL and hug my family all together for the first time! Hey, it could happen...with God ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE :) I mean...I'm watching one of His miracles sleep right now :)