Happy Birthday to Me!

February 15th is my birthday....and it's also the day we will make Levi an OFFICIAL Polk!!! We get to spend Valentines Day with our baby boy and then go to court on the 15th. We are so excited!!! After the week we've had, this was totally unexpected. I guess I just needed to be willing to humble myself and accept "the other way" and love a person I viewed "unlovable" before God would allow us to move further. Why do I always have to do things the hard way? :) Although...I couldn't have asked for a better birthday present! Please continue praying! This walk isn't over yet :) But we've definitely just made a HUGE leap forward! 

Yesterday in my moments of doubt, this precious pair of knit boots my sister sent Levi from Bosnia kept coming into my head. I've kept them in my kitchen since they arrived and every time I see them I pray for him. It is a sign of my faithfulness to go get my son! It was almost as though that image was God saying, "you can't stop walking to Levi until he is wearing his boots." I know this sounds silly but when I walked in the kitchen today and saw those little green and blue knits boots all I could do is say "Thank you God for your faithfulness" and, of course, cry :)

Game on!

Well, it appears we will continue in our paper trail until the judge is satisfied enough to give us a court date. This could be tomorrow, this could be in 2 months. We really have no clue as this is "uncharted territory." Today has been a roller coaster of emotion! But at the end of the day here is what I'm taking away...

~God IS faithful...and as a reminder in my moment of weakness HE played Never Once by Matt Redman (see my previous post if you've never heard it) on the radio. Instead of just balling my eyes out...I was laughing through my tears. I was sad and disappointed but so comforted by the reminder through a song I literally couldn't stop laughing and told God out loud "Ok I get it. You're here. This is Your plan." 

~We will not give up. Beyond the seemingly endless paper trail in our near future there are other details, "what if's" and possibilities that come into play that I can't get into on this blog that will also affect the future of our process. But regardless of the challenges that we may face the bottom line is if Carsyn or Sara Kate were stuck in an orphanage half way around the world, we would do everything we possibly could to bring them home. It is no different for our son! We said in the very beginning we would "walk until we can't walk anymore." The path is still wide open, it's just becoming more of a hike than we anticipated :)

~Change my prayer. I've been praying for our process, for Levi, for us but I am not praying for the judge. To be honest since we found out about her in December when the initial "issue" arose I've had a hard heart towards her but I've also felt a nagging to somehow "reach" her for His glory that I've been flat out ignoring because of my frustration. I have no idea who she is, what she believes or anything else about her but until today she wasn't on my list of "people I like." Well, as a believer I'm suppose to love her and I've felt a strong sense to be praying for her, and not in relation to how she affects us. I'll be praying for our judge until we see her face to face. Maybe it's through prayer that we will "reach" her...because I really can't think of any other way we possibly could :) 

And finally....

~Never challenge Satan out loud! After the first phone call I received today with the news that there was more documentation to be chased down I was ok. I cried with disappointment but was really able to trust God's sovereignty over the situation. I guess I must have gotten a little cocky because I sent out a text to several of my "prayer girls" saying "...if this was easy I might wonder if it was right but obviously we are in God's will or the devil wouldn't want us to give up. He is messin' with the wrong momma! Ya'll pray, I'm trusting God will be glorified through our delay. What's a few months compared to eternity? :)" It's like I said "Game ON" and Satan replied "alrighty then!!!" Well, it wasn't 2 hours later, after more disturbing news, I was wondering if we should continue in this process at all! I was feeling defeated and ready to give up! I can't believe  Satan took my challenge so quickly:) I had just said that's what he wanted and I refused to let him win...wow I'M SO WEAK! Luckily, God intervened and reminded me this adoption is for His glory and for Levi. The inconvenience, additional cost, and frustration is very minor in comparison to the whole story! But I will never chance a verbal challenge against Satan again...I think I'll leave that battle to God :)

Please continue to pray for us daily. If you see me running around like a crazy person, just know I'm trying to accomplish the near impossible in a very short time frame :) Pray for our family, pray for Levi, pray for a speedy court date, pray for no more delays and no additional cost...and pray for an un-named, unknown judge 10 time zones away that her heart will be softened to the love of Christ. 

My favorite verse as a child kept popping in my head today:

Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In everything, seek Him and He will direct your paths!" Thankful today for sweet reminders....

Faithful...

This morning I attended a "MoM's" brunch. It was wonderful! Sweet ladies of all ages and stages of life, great food, worship, excellent speaker and best of all, free childcare :) It was two hours of mommy time and the blessing of a wonderful story, but I thought that was it! I had no idea just an hour later the testimony of the sweet mommy of five, and fellow adoption adventurer, would be ringing in my ears as we got more news from our agency. It always happens so I'm not sure why I'm still amazed when God brings something across my path- a person, song, story, scripture- that will soon resonate with me so strong in my own circumstance that I'm moved to tears of joy and thankfulness for that "word" to prepare me. 

So the news we received today is good but not great because we are still dealing with a great deal of uncertainty...our case was heard today before the judge. She asked for another document before we can go further. The agency and our social worker scrambled to "deal" with the situation. It will be reviewed again in the morning (their time). We are hopeful this will result in a date for court with no additional requirements. Of course, this could go another way. We could get bogged down in more paperwork and delay the process even further. It's all in the hands of this judge...or so was my initial thought. Is it ever REALLY all in a human's hands? Obviously not! It's in God's hands. I know this! It goes back to elementary school "He's got the whole world in HIs hands!" Remember? :) Or as I was reminded today at the brunch..."God is faithful" this is His character and it doesn't exclude my adoption:) It's not in a judge's hands, it's in our loving Father's hand's. 

The sweet lady that shared her story at the brunch this morning made a statement that I think will stay with me forever. She said "God didn't ask us to walk this journey to make us suffer, he chose this path for us to glorify Himself." When we first started this process our commitment was first and foremost to glorify God. He has definitely been glorified through this process but it wasn't always because I was faithful to give Him glory. He'll be glorified regardless of my flawed, selfish desires. He knows my heart wants my baby boy home with us right now BUT He also has a plan much bigger than my family and knows the best way for this adoption to be completed. With the testimony of another mommy that has walked this path fresh on my heart, my immediate reaction to our news this afternoon was "God you are faithful. If it means we wait a little longer, if it means hours more of paperwork and visits with our social worker and state government, I'll be humbled to be a part of the story you're writing for Your glory!" 

I'm begging you all for prayer :) In 'real-time' you will probably be reading this just before, during or just after our judge has reconsidered our case. Please pray specifically for favor and a court date very soon because we have even more documents that are approaching their expiration date. I have complete trust In God's plan but I also know He wants us to ask for "the desires of our heart." So tonight I'm praying my desire for this to be finished with no more issues and Levi to be home very soon is aligned with His desire for me...and if it's not then I pray God will change my desires in accordance with His will. I know He will hear our prayer army and I can not tell you how comforting it is to know so many are praying us through this time. I'm so thankful for you all!

Praising God for His faithfulness...no matter the outcome from the courts :)

"If we are faithless, He remains faithful- for He cannot deny Himself." 2 Timothy 2:13 

An update from my heart...

"Why have you stopped blogging?" This is something I am frequently asked. The truth is...I'm BUSY and exhausted :) Physically, mentally, emotionally. My infrequent updates aren't intentional I'm just usually running non-stop all day until the girls go to bed and then if I sat down long enough to type an update I'd fall asleep! (Maybe a little exaggeration there but not much...Dustin can vouch for this :)) And most days I don't know what to say.  Don't get me wrong, I have a lot I WANT to say. It just takes a lot of energy to figure out what I SHOULD say. This may sound sad or pitiful, and the truth is if there is one way to describe how I've felt that past 9 months it would be broken. BUT it's good...really good! I've learned more about faith, grace, love and depravity since beginning this process than I have in my entire 30 years prior to it. Broken is beautiful! Exhaustion from soul-searching and much prayer is wonderful! Laying on my face in tears before the only ONE that can fix "it" is total comfort. Notice I have never mentioned easy :) But all of that to say, most day's I have to prioritize what gets my energy and lately the blog has suffered from my "adoption exhaustion." :)

So "WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THE ADOPTION?" A question I get asked multiple times a day...and I appreciate it every time it gets asked! While I feel like a broken record sometimes it is such a blessing to have so many people around us that CARE and want to know what's going on and how to pray for us! 

Here is where we are:

We spent the week of Thanksgiving (last blog post) with our precious little boy! I know I mentioned before but in case you missed it I'll say it again...HE IS PERFECT! The trip was amazing! Everything went as smoothly as it could have...until we traveled home. The trip home was just shy of awful and unfortunately, things with our adoption process haven't really improved since! But as my 'eternal optimist better-half' says, "It could be A LOT worse!" I know he is right but as I've mentioned before on this blog (more than once) I have a tendency to pitch a fit when things don't go exactly as 'I-I-I-Me-Me-Me' have planned (usually it's a fit just inside my head and heart; although the poor man at United Airlines got to hear a real fit throwing after we returned home...but that one was totally justified :)). So, of course, when we returned home from Russia with certain expectations of how the rest of this process would go, any diversion from that plan wasn't welcomed :)

The first week home Dustin and I stayed in a 'zombie-like' state from the crazy week we'd had and the crazy jet lag that came with the trip. Once recovered we got on the task of getting the little documentation we had left to prepare for court done and other preparations necessary for Levi to come home. Keep in mind this was also prime Christmas season festivities time! Class parties, programs, church functions, travel and family fun! It was a busy time to say the least. I know everyone reading this can relate...even if you're not in the middle of an adoption :)

The evening of Dec. 23rd we were all dressed up and ready to go spend time with some of our best, most dear friends that we never get to see! I was excited...we miss the Lewis' and Weaver's SO MUCH! That's when the call came. Even though we were walking out the door to meet our friends I answered the phone. It was our agency and we had been told we would probably get our court date that week so I was happy and anxious answering the phone to find out when we'd be heading back to Russia for court! Imagine my disappointment when instead I hear...well, there has been an issue. For the sake of our situation I can not go into detail with what happened but just know the "issue" created another 3 weeks of paperwork, meeting's with our social worker and trips to Montgomery. This "issue" was beyond our control or the control of our agency, it was totally unanticipated (never happened before) and affected every family adopting in our region, not just us. However, I can say our agency and social worker are AMAZING! Without their support and help (working during Christmas!!!) we would probably still be sorting through this mess! But they are just as passionate about getting Levi home ASAP as we are and knew the longer we waited getting the additional documentation done, the longer it would be before we get our baby boy home! For privacy reasons I can not share the name of either organization on this blog until after our process is over, BUT if you or someone you know is interested in adopting please email me and I'll send you all of their contact information. Our agency and social worker are truly God sent!!!

On Tuesday of last week, our "updated" file was submitted for translation and will then be re-submitted to the judge for approval. We are praying we will find out our court date by the end of this month and there will be no more "issues." At this time, we are praying to have Levi home in March. Please cover this in prayer also! 

You did not receive Christmas cards from us this year...we didn't send them. This was actually, at first, my way of "acting out" since Levi wasn't home yet. In one of my pity parties I decided we weren't sending Christmas cards this year if our whole family couldn't be on them! I made ONE just for us...with Levi on it...and that was it. I was sad my baby boy wasn't going to be here for Christmas...after all this is the 2nd Christmas of his life we missed. I had the "right" to be upset, right? Then a few days later I was reading the Caringbridge site of precious little boy I have followed for 5 years through his diagnosis and battle with cancer and then sadly his death just this past year. His mom wrote "For Christmas this year we are adding new traditions, changing some and then some we are avoiding altogether because they are too painful (for example, you will not be receiving Christmas cards from us this year since our whole family can not be on it.)"  OK, WOW! I'm pouting because my son isn't home...yet! What if my story was the same as this precious mother? Please don't misunderstand...I believe God's plan is perfect and I hope(pray) if that is ever my situation I will be able to handle it with the same faith and courage that this family has but why am I wasting precious time right now pitching a fit over something that may not be ideal, but it's not tragic. It's a new life being added to our family...a blessing, just not in MY timing! God is being glorified through this adoption. During our last "issue" we saw Him do some things in the lives of 3 other people that wouldn't have happened if we hadn't had our "issue." We could see His hand in our situation even though we may have been a little inconvenienced, God was using that "issue" (and our response to it) to affect other people. So why do I hesitate and have those initial moments of childish outbursts (even though they may not be outwardly the ONE that matters sees it!) instead of just trusting His plan and giving Him glory through the "hiccup?" This life isn't about ME...even though I seem to need a daily reminder of that :)

Adoption has shown me the "yuck" I am filled with. No matter how much I pray, study and serve, without the grace of my Savior I am nothing! My head knew this before we started the adoption but now my heart is convinced. I see the abundance of my unworth yet I am loved more than I could ever deserve! If it wasn't for my own adoption through the cross, I would always be a filthy, snotty, little child desperately seeking the approval of the world! But because of the sacrifice Christ made for us, I am justified...even when I pitch a fit because I don't get MY way :) 

I am so thankful for His love, but mostly for His grace! Thankful with ALL of my heart...