I've never thought of myself as an atheist...

Everyone inherits traits from their family members...good and bad. I'm always cold! :) You don't have to look far in my family tree to see where I get this from. My grandmother, Edna Brady, is known in our family for wearing a jacket even in 90 degree weather. Well, one trait I got from her late husband, my "grandpa Brady" is to worry...about everything. :) My whole life I've been called a "worry wart." I can even remember as a young child my dad telling me "you are just like your grandfather. You worry about things that haven't even happened yet." I guess that is why I've been desensitized to how harmful (and sinful) "worry" can actually be in your life. It's been a part of "who I am" for so long the effects of it are also just part of the "life I live."

Obviously walking this adoption journey has provided plenty of opportunity to worry. From little issues like Dustin's FBI clearance taking forever to come in to BIG things like how to come up with THOUSANDS of dollars to be able to bring our children home. Uncharacteristically of me, for a big portion of this adoption, I was not stressed, worried or anxious about any of it. Don't misunderstand me, I had moments of doubt or anxiety but because we were focused on Christ through this process the worry would quickly diminish. Keeping our focus on His glory and plan kept me from carrying around the constant weight of this HUGE step of faith we call adoption. Until a few weeks ago...

As I shared in the last post, we received a gift from some dear, Christ-like friends that enabled us to move forward to the next step in adopting twin boys...a direct answer to prayer.  I didn't know why but after the elation of our most recent "win" in the adoption process wore off I felt a bigger burden on me than ever before. There were a few things that weren't going quite the way "we" wanted and then ,of course, this constant reminder about the money we have left to raise. However, our situation was no different than it had been in the beginning. If anything it was better...we are closer to our goal and we've had several BIG indicators that we are totally within God's will for this situation. So why am I letting this bother me now... four months into the process when I haven't really worried about it before. A few weeks passed and the consuming stress was beginning to take it's toll.

One Sunday night I was listening to a "guest pastor" share a message on Phillipians 4. I've heard most of it before. Typical, "don't worry or be anxious for anything" scripture I've read hundreds of times. I've been told my whole life as a "worrier" :) to give it God, we aren't suppose to worry. But something I've never heard was this quote...

"The extent to which we worry is the extent to which we are an atheist at that moment. An atheist is a "no god person" and when we worry God is not a percieved reality in our lives."

I've never thought of myself as an atheist. In fact, the accusation would be hurtful. My faith is very important to me. IT'S "WHO I AM." This quote spoke loudly to me...you can't be a "worry wart" and a beleiver in Christ at the same time. To worry is to NOT TRUST God...the core foundation of what makes my relationship with Christ real. So to transparently look into my life the past few weeks and see the faith of an "atheist" was disappointing. Especially when God is so faithful and loving to me. All He asks for is my trust in Him. I fail so miserably...but He knew I would which is why He gives us undeserved grace.

The difference in that "down" time and the months prior that were "worry free" was my focus. I got distracted by the "task at hand" and accomplishing it myself instead of trusting Him with every step and rejoicing in the Lord. Phillipians 4 was a great encouragment to me that if Christ is REALLY at the center of everything in my life 'His peace will guard my heart and mind." And a great reminder that even though I think I'M walking this path in faith...really He is carrying me the entire journey. :)